Seeing as how coldcakes is the awesomest site in the world, because it is a interactive forum for the greatest minds of this generation, I thought it would be a good place to brainstorm billion dollar business ideas. Check this idea out right here homies… Ninja Demolition Inc.

Check this, we start a demolition company where we tear down old homes, with our own bare handed ninja moves! And, we film the entire thing. Later we place highlights of the demolition on youtube. It’s basically a win win situation. Either we become the most sought after demolition company in the world, or we become super mega ninja stars of the internet.

I got a million of these ideas guys, but I’m just gonna wet your palates with this little diddy.

i’ve been getting e-mails from this dude at work whose run-on sentences are absolutely mind-blowing. Up until today, I’ve been replying to him in the usual fashion, but on the real, my next response is going to lack periods altogether.

Hi Haldamos,

Just checking in with you to see how you wanted to proceed on the quote I sent out to Tom on March the 26th the Pricing on the quote expires tomorrow because our Buy One Get One Free promotion is ending on Wednesday April 30th. I left Tom a couple of voice mails and sent an e mail and I was just hoping to get into contact with you before the end of the month to see how the approval process is going and if there is anything I can do on my end to help speed things along when you get a chance if you could shoot me back an e mail or call me directly and let me know the status of the training proposal and what my next step should be that would be much appreciated I look forward to hearing from you have a great day and talk to you soon.

Barry W&(^e

*******************************************************************************************************************************

Thanks Haldamos, I appreciate your feedback greatly I do hope that A&$Dev can be a resource for you in the future if you need anything else from me to help with the decision making process please let me know and if I can provide anything else from A^#Dev that can help in your evaluation for training options please let me know as well. Please feel free to download as many free demos as you would like to evaluate our training as well and before you do make a decision on training please call me and see if I can’t give you any additional discounts or tell you of any new promotions that we may be running at that time one question for you what is the timeline that your looking to get training in place? And when would you recommend me following up with you?

Barry W&(^e

who is the best white rapper(s) of all time? [ i am excluding myself for conversational, polling purposes ]

1) snow
2) necro
3) eminem
4) beastie boys
5) vanilla ice
6) mike skinner / the streets
7) dude from real mccoy “another night another dream”
everlast / house of pain guy
9) brian austin green
10) k-fed
11) markie mark
12) mc paul barman
13) mc chris [dont know anything about this dude but he’s supposed to be funny]

those are the best i got. any more nominees? dont gimme some underground rochstein no one’s ever heard of. i’m also making a motion to keep this post rooted in hip hop and not bring up like anthony keidis and sugar ray and shit.

If there’s one thing I don’t believe in its cheap mechanical pencils, and i’m taking this opportunity on my lunch break to blog about it.

first of all, even as a former student of engineering and more than one high school drafting class, I’ve never been fond of the mechanical pencil - (I’d rather a good, finely honed #2) - .. but a cheap mechanical pencil, the kind that breaks its tip nearly every time you touch it to paper, well that is enough to get me on my soapbox friends.

Besides breaking tips, another point (no pun intended) that i find disagreeable is that IF the lead is so thin so as to break its tip so often, it is certainly much too thin to serve even the most trivial of daily functions. It is not even fit for scrawling a quick shorthand note off the telephone. Not even fit for doodling.

While no doubt serving some general purpose in the field of drafting, the mass marketing of the high-gauge mechanical pencil to the non-drafting public is a classic coldcake. My suspicion is that with the advent of AutoCAD and other computer aided drafting software, hand-drawings lost favor in the architectural and engineering communities. The thinnest gauge of lead mechanical pencils were among the first to suffer reduced demand, and the manufacturers, faced with an overstock in supply focused on building a new market, thereby foisting their product on an unsuspecting public at a cost that was low enough to justify their being ‘duped’ en masse into buying into these low-grade lead like lemmings for purposes they were never intended.

This is something to think about the next time you find yourself in a Staples, or OfficeMax, scanning up and down the pen and pencil aisle, looking to cop a 10-pack of pencils to get you through the next year or two of whatever it is you use your pencils for. Don’t Be FOOLED! anything 0.5 mm or lighter and you’re literally throwing your money away!

I wonder whether southern dialogue coaches teach people to pronounce (or pronunciate) fire escape by instructing them to say farscape.

wow its great to see so many different people posting over the past few days. today we have a guest writer, received a via email from “established internet writer” Silvio Margarine :

i realize the imagery is one thing but if you say it outloud it sounds so beautiful, just from the forming of the actual sounds…..

the vaginal juices of various Jewesses.

said gov terminator today:

people of california, i promise you this may be way more entertaining [ if possible ] than the fist pump site, because if you cant appreciate the jokes, at least you will learn some good photoshop techniques:

Anyway, one night, they found themselves facing a deadline, with no content. They had long nurtured an idea for a character they thought of as “the Angry Photoshop Guy.” Explained Bledsoe: “We had both been in the agency business so long that after a while we’d seen every kind of person in the advertising world.” One of those stereotypes, he said, was the “insane designer, basically. He has horrible social skills and horrible things going on in his life and the only thing he has going for him is he can out-Photoshop the guy in the cube next to him.”

me: hey dude just wondering, do egyptians find the song ‘walk like an egyptian’ offense ?

egyptian dude521: Haha
Not at all

me: they’re down with it

egyptian dude521: They get all excited when they hear it

me: haha

egyptian dude521: They feel like celebs

http://www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzabcdefghijk.com

BiG-uPZ 2 h.dawg

scott: whats your name man ?
aaron: aaron.
scott: oh ok like erin go braugh?
aaron: no. aaron, like the brother of moses.
scott: (straight faced) don’t say shit like that to me dude.

.. what a search of the USPTO (United States Patent and Trademark Office) would turn up.

“All rise.

The court is now in session to hear docket 232-IN-43, .. the prosecuton is suing for violation of trademark ‘Nerd Sex Fest’ to which the defendant pleads no contest .. “

since our glorious version of the musician post, i’ve been checking out somethingawful.com pretty regularly for inspiration. they have some really cool stuff, like the seder which i linked to also in my 575 post on 420.

this one makes me laugh too.

possible slogan:

c’mon! get your spectacle game together, dog!

http://www.framesdirect.com/framesfc/Randy_Jackson-lamiki-pr-l.html

So, I was in Boston this weekend for the 112th Boston marathon to support our homie Johnny Rad. It was an experience to behold to say the least. Over 25,000 runners accomplishing a feat that is nothing short of miraculous. But, I believe there is one comment I overheard upon completion of the race that will stay with me forever. We were passing a bunch of port-o-potty’s and it smelled God awful, like hamhock and roasted shitty ass to be exact. There were two African American females right in front of us who I believe stated out loud what everyone was thinking at the time, “Girl, white peoples shit is stinky as fuck!”

A few years ago, Kevy and I decided to order small quantities of take-away from 5-7 different restaurants in the hopes of putting together a decidedly diverse lunch.

I was thinking about this today, and I’ve come up with what I think could be a good framing concept for a get-together with friends…

Lets have a pizza party. However, instead of ordering all six of the pizzas from one establishment, how about using six different mobile phones to simulataneously order pizzas from six different pizzerias.

The overall goal being to determine:

• Which pizzeria delivers the fastest
• Which pizzeria tops our list for overall quality
• Ultimately, ascertain which pizzeria is the overall winner with respect to both speed and quality.

It would be cool to create a cheap-o plaque for the winning pizzeria that they could put next to their local magazine write-ups and what not.

Also, maybe we could include some small 1st - 3rd place awards for the qualifying delivery-people too!

have any of you seen this footage that surfaced via the new yorker recently?

it is time lapse footage of a dude called Nicholas White, who was stuck in an elevator for 41 hours upon returning to the Macgraw-Hill building after a cigarette break. It’s slightly unsettling but quite beautiful.

Out of Your Mind

as you know, i’d nary worked a day in a corporate setting before i started hustling for the city of philadelphia a few months ago. man, what i didn’t realize i was in for, was the daily barrage of uncomfortable conversations. in particular, there’s a woman, who accosts me everytime i walk by her office (as i’m trying to sneak by). what’s really strange, is that she has entire conversations with me in baby talk. it is absolutely insane. here’s an example:

SHE’S TALKING TO ME IN BABY TALK

I am often researching the internet for leads and over the course of a typical days work I almost always come across a few ‘funnies’ - people, places, and websites that relieve me from the normal humdrum.

so far from this morning - This interesting video i caught on youtube. It’s funniness only became apparent after i realized it was a complete joke. at first i was thinking “how lame is this guy?” because i thought he was actually for real, and taking himself way too seriously. i almost didnt watch the whole video. As it turns out though, i like the effect of setting the expectations low and then slowly delivering a good punchline.

then there was uglybabies.com I have to say i was a bit disappointed with this one though. i found that none of the babies were really that ugly. i think this site falls far short of its true potential. is it that the people with the ugliest babies don’t want to submit their photos? but isnt it true that all babies, even the ugliest ones are cute in the eyes of their own mothers and fathers? perhaps the site should accept stealth submissions from aunts, uncles, the neighbors, friends from church, ..

my conclusion so far is that when you anticipate something lame and it turns into funny, all the more gratifying. but when you anticipate something funny and it winds up lame, its like getting 75 cents for a dollar.

nonetheless, my commendation to the developer of uglybabies, which is after all a pretty nice little niche site.

whys everyone been asking me what im doing for 420? im like, uh, i dunno going to a seder? i dont get it.

so i’m riding my bike around town early this morning and a few different times i smelled this weird, strange funk emanating from parked cars that were filled with a mysterious thick glowing fog. i was like what is this, ninja turtles day?

anyways i’ve invented a new type of poem where the 1st line is 5 syllables, the 2nd line is 7 syllables, and the last line is 5 syllables again. i call them 575’s.

please feel free to make this post a place to share your own.

amigos! as we build the best most successful website in the world, let us unite. let us help keep the internet a fun, safe, and a. nonnie mouse haven for a-holes ?

so i says to mabel: i’m trying to find a menu of a fav asian-fusion restaurant online, but they dont have no website. no biggie cos i usually order the same thing every time anyway (N32=pad thai), but as a web developer, i thought maybe dude could use a site. i go to pick up my pad thai and say: hey, do you guys need a website? he says: ohhhh we have website we are just testing to fix all the bugs. i’m like: are you for real? i build sites, old asian dude, and thats what we tell you when we’ve been watching babycakes cartoons all day instead of working. - um yea, we just got thru the Beta testing of the noodles section, sir, we found 3 bugz - fyi some young guy [ classix ] on the QA team has found an issue with getting the moo goo gai pan into the shopping basket..

I was just in the process of buying a ticket for an upcoming show, when ticketmaster prompted me to type in two words displayed on the screen to verify i wasnt a bot trollig for tickets. well, these are the two words it promted with:

I am (somewhat) constantly trying to find things to do in my county, and on a search through the personals section on craigslist I came across this NSFW add:

http://newjersey.craigslist.org/cas/643795749.html

K-bag’s reply to my email summed up my suspicions. Just replace “red necks” with “high schoolers,” and imagine a pilot episode for the next coming of age dramedy. You heard it here first:

i feel like this is an “ingenious” trap conceived of by red necks to catch “queers”.
imagine two hick-type guys who, after arguing with each other as to who should write the ad, came to blows and decided that they could write it together.
they sit at a computer and google images of dudes butts in lingerie.
and they write that masterpiece of an ad.

so i apologize for being slightly vulgar yet again, but this is pretty awesome.

check out the link for dick jokes using comparisons to musicians:

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/compare-genitals-musicians.php

e.g

“My penis is like Nine Inch Nails. It’s occasionally impressive but nobody cares about it 99 percent of the time.”

“My penis is like heavy metal, it only appeals to fat chicks.”

“My penis is like Henry Rollins, the veins pop out in his neck when he gets excited.”

once upon a time, senor haldamos spoke to me the following truths:

so i came to this realization that general tso and colonel sanders are like mirror images of each other.. better known for their chicken dishes than their battlefield glories..i was thinking also, that they’d make good adversaries..

I have listed for your reading pleasure my top three Onion articles, in no particular order. The pictures, and their concomitant captions, are particularly hilarious.

Enjoi:

1. Entire Fourth-Grade Hates Jeremy Halcote

2. Meth Addicts Demand Government Address Nation’s Growing Spider Menace

3. Zombie Nutritionist Recommends All-Brain Diet

i think it may have been jonny rad who showed this to me in college 20 years ago… i was glad to find out that its still on the nets! i think its still amazing after all these yrs

when reggie watts performed on the superdeluxe stage [to those not in the know: superdeluxe.com is the online home of my funny friends babycakes and the professor brothers] at a free sxsw show i saw, my life changed in a good way (as it did when i watched the videos you’ll find in the other 2 links)